Here I am

Sitting upstairs at my desk when I should be on the bus to class.  I can easily justify skipping this class because it is only one class.

I’m in a funk, and I don’t exactly know how I got there.  I think I can piece together many tiny things; no friends, family lives far away, my mom’s complete denial and utter lack of respect towards my relationship with Sara.  I think that last one is really a huge thing.  I feel sometimes I am just out in sea, and the only person who keeps me from really floating away is Sara.

I think sometimes I am hurting her because she sees me constantly struggling, beating myself up, and constantly being hard on myself.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.  I have had a year to figure this out.  The only thing that I have come out knowing for sure is that Sara really makes me happy.  I want her in my life for as long as she can handle me.

We don’t have any money and I see how it effects her, and I don’t know.  Maybe I settle for doing the same thing over and over and over and over because that is what I have done for years.  I realize that’s all I have ever done, and I don’t know maybe that lifestyle is comforting, but it’s not making our relationship at all easier.

If I can just pick a stupid associate’s degree, the government will continue paying me benefits for at least two more years or when I finish my degree.  I don’t even know what I want to be.  I can’t even decide what degree to go for.  I have no idea what I want to do.  All the jobs I have gotten, I had no idea about them, I never done them before, and in the end I ended up liking them.  I think the only thing I know is I want a job that pays decently (anything over $12 an hour) and has some kind of variety.  Do I just write things that interest me on a piece of paper and draw it out of a hat?  Do I want to sit in front of a computer day in or day out?  I’ve done that for a few years now and I’ve learned I don’t like it.

I end up resenting my job, growing bored, and losing any kind of motivation I have.  Do I pick working with computers?  I love computers, but I don’t know if I could handle working with them day in and day out.  Maybe I should just jump into something I have never done, at the very least if I hate it, I could do a job, make good money and go back to school…